beaten down bad, bleedin like hell...

I really wonder if there would ever be a time that i would settle. Like even in the span of a day, I won't worry about anything or any one. Just like way back when I was a kid. I would only think of excuses that my dad won't let me take my afternoon nap so i could just play around with friends. Simple, peaceful, fun.
The past months were like hell for me. I mean I don't hurt that much but this was the anniversary of my "Hell days on Earth months". It was the biggest, longest. mind-twitching charade I ever had. Coz back then, just when I thought I had everything all figured out, I was wrong. Dead Wrong. but back then it was on my lovelife. (kinda showbiz sounding but its better to be simpler *wink*).
But now, I'm facing graver threats to sanity. just now, as I'm typing this blog, mom's in the hospital w/ a case of UTI. She went to Surigao w/ my brother then to Samar with me. Whenever she goes traveling, she always forgets to rehydrate w/ water and settles for softdrinks instead. so the story goes. I haven't visited her yet coz I'm afraid I'd cry my eyes off. She is my strength. seein' her like that would just tear my heart appart.
Next off, i really am getting beat from my jobhunt. i really want a dad-type boring desk job that I can settle in. but Apparently, the only thing that's available are agent positions in call centers. Frankly, I'm almost losing hope. *sigh* I never wanna go back to the job that almost cost me my life.
Well there goes another round in life, a lot more to go, so I gotta keep fighting. as long as Hazel Eyez got my back, I can take on anything in my path. bring it on!

Young and Hopeless... I Mean Jobless.

It's been 3 months since i last had work. I wasn't loittering around wastin' my time. I was really looking for a job that I can settle in for eternity. I really mean this literally. Coz as far as I recall, I never had a job that I liked that I chose to stay. I've been in and out of call centers, of hospitals for getting sick due to the night shift, but hey, I never complained. having its perks also means you got to be beaten to a bloody pulp. What's more troublesome is that I can't seem to shake my mom off my business. I love her and all but cliche as it may sound, I really wanted to scream on top of my lungs and say I'm not a kid anymore. That I, as individual require my own personal space.

I am way off the mark for the age of majority, I've never had a decision in life that I regret. I think things over carefully. I hate efforts that are half baked. i understand that maybe, just maybe since mom just got into retirement, she may have insecurities. I wish she would just listen to my reasons and see for herself that I am full of insecurities too. Why the hell would I love being a bum? I know I got obligations, I know I have to help out. But can't they just give me a break? I'm doin' my best in applying for "normal" jobs. I'm waiting for them to call so we can sign a damn contract. I don't wanna work a nocturne forever. I don't live to work. I work to live.

What's the point of having good pay if you just waste it on meds and hospital bills? This time, I won't ever settle for anything less than what I deserve.

This blog has helped me out a lot in expressing myself. If not for this, I would've gone mad a long, long, long time ago. peace out.

Ho-Hum

Its been a while since i last posted some thoughts on here. maybe its healthy if i make it a daily habit huh? hehehehe. i'd just like to let y'all know that one of my bestfriends died just 2 days ago. She really was so sweet and thoughtful and always there for me.

She clobbered me funny when I'm bored, sang to me the latest songs and even helped me out with tons of paperwork way back high school, until making resumes. Yes, my dear friends, Cely, my Celeron 900 MHz powered computer tower breathed her last. In come Damian the Intel Core 2 duo processor tower. hehehehe. i'd just start from here and continue upgrading until i build a monster. hehehehehe. ciao!

Missing You

I really didn't count the days since you went home to your folks but i'm sure as hell i miss you so damn much. I've gotten so used to bein around you most of the time that I feel like its so important...like breathing.

Now I have the first dose of loneliness, it really tears me apart. I know you'd be back but I miss you. I really do.

P.S. I know you're gonna be here tom. I just wrote this blog to let my feelings out into the open. wehehehehehe. miss ya muffin!

When Human Magic Marker is Filled w/ Ink Again

I really like that phrase by one of my fave artists. His name Is Brandon Boyd of the band incubus. Coz it sort of promotes the idea of a higher being that's in touch w/ your soul and gives you creativity to write things down.

Anyway, as you may have noticed, there is a drop in the times that I make posts to my blog. The reason is simple, I lost inspiration. Well, now I got smacked into oblivion w/ a haunting fact that I did that to myself for no apparent reason. It took a great deal of help from my girl (w/out her noticing the drop in my hunger for creativity) to get me to write again. so here I am.

There's alot goin' on lately like me resignin' from my job ( customer service really ain't my thing.), and the best part of all, I have a relationship that goes deeper and deeper each day. It just ain't materialistic, nor is it sexually driven, nor its just for companionship. Its just that we really love each other and just bein around each other makes us happy.

Everyday, when I wake up, I'm not the grouch anymore. I choose to smile. And just be happy. I wanna enjoy even life's simple pleasures, like sharing a laugh, crying at a good movie ( i don't freakin' care what you say, I will not lie about what I feel EVER.). And all these things, I owe to Hannah. The song lyrics really are true. "I never know I was lookin for love until I found you." Love you gorgeous! As for Y'all, you'd be hearing from me more. until next time.

rebirth

I came across this song that perfectly fits the mood that I'm in. Through my times of turmoil, I have found peace. Through the times I lived in mono, you brought technicolor to it. so for you, here's the song Cebuana by Urbandub.

Hazel eyes
You have awakened me Opened my mind
Never thought love could come
A second time
Been wasting away
Killing myself
Closed all my doors
I wasn't the same anymore
Then you came along
Hazel eyes
Speak to me once more
You're words are a comfort
Discovered again that love could come
A second time
You played your part
Helped me restart
Mended these wounds
That once was tearing my heart
You came along
Under southern lights the mood is right
We move in closer together
Your lips press tight against mine
Stay with me
Under southern lights the mood is right
We move in closer together
Your lips press tight against mine
Stay, Stay, Stay,

You have awakened me Opened my mind
Never thought love could come
A second time
Been wasting away
Killing myself
Closed all my doors
I wasn't the same
You played your part
Helped me restart
Mended these wounds
That once was tearing my heart
Under southern lights the mood is right
We move in closer together
Your lips press tight against mine
Stay with me
Under southern lights the mood is right
We move in closer together
Your lips press tight against mine
Stay, Stay, Stay,

Stay with me
Stay, stay, stay with me
Stay with me

Enduring Pain

Wuzzup world? How's it been since I last wrote my thoughts on you? I've been in a real wild ride but hell. it can't get no worse than this.

I wuz just at the damn hospital coz I got costochondritis ( sounds cool but chest pains really hurt like hell. like little heart attacks goin on simultaneously). Thedoctor said I gotta say no to my vices now. Is she nuts? damn. I mean does she even know how to live a life the way that i did?

Seriously thogh. the pain that I suffer when I had the "attacks" are not even close to the pain that i had in months. Life was not that fair in the affairs of the heart. But I guess I still have to be thankful. Coz in the process, I get to know the meaning of my existence. How people value me as a person, as a friend, a brother by blood or by choice. People that I expect to be there, left me out in my darkest times. People I barely even knew, w/ whom I never expect much support from, gave me strength and cheered me on to the point where I stand today; a man able to stand back up, still sentient, a lover of life. And for this guys, kudos to you.

The times that I spent alone in that hospital room, made me realize that it aint how many friends you know or you have, its how many TRUE friends that you have at your side. unyielding, immovable, strong. We never pick our true friends. Time and trials filter them out for us. some require much time to be seen, others just a little, others are just under our noses waiting to be recognized. These friends were my shots of morphine for my bleeding heart.

But for the pain that I have inside, dear friends, the only time that I lied to you, is when I said that I am fully healed, and I feel no pain at all. For that, I'm sorry. I just never wanted you to worry....