I'm finding it real hard to sleep so I'm writing this so I could wear myself down. I woke up on the afternoon of yesterday as I usually do. It is weird for others but this is pretty common among "retired brothers of the headset" or put plainly, people who are tired of being call center agents and decide never to return to the industry again. Furthermore, I had multiple hits of insults and complete lack of understanding from people I hold dear.
Another thing that's keeping me up is thinking about the fact that I project a natural aura of toughness and resiliency that no matter what people say or do, I don't get easily irritated, aggravated or hurt. But when those close to you have wronged you, it hurts so much to the very core. Like a speeding dart brings down a castle wall by hitting it's foundation molecule; pure luck or pure chance but it has done it. As for me, sad to say, I was the damn wall.
I lack a friend who I could talk to at tough times, crack a joke when I need one. My childhood friends are not here. Hell I even almost died one time when I got beaten to a pulp and a close friend ran for dear life, never thinking of going back. silly as it seems but I have accepted this fate. I was a born leader but somehow, I attract traitors. It's a sad, shitty, lonely role but someone has to play it.
I know that I lack patience but I need not a single reminder of it. I've been working on it day in and day out. Waiting for that gov't job that has just ended for a short time, gettin' used for the damn elections and working for a surprising 6 months only after a year plus of waiting, working on an "allowance" and shit is already a test of character and patience ain't it? I mean c'mon aand give me a damn break why dont ya?
I could go on and on with this yammer but what good would it do? I just wanted to smile and laugh once in a while. Be the boss once in a while. Is that really hard to give? Is that too much to ask? I've been a sponge of all sorts, absorbing the negativity from all people and still crack a joke and make them laugh. But what if the sponge is full? you wring it unto a bucket right? There comes a point that they can no longer hold any fluid. The question is, who or where is my bucket? Who can I run to?
Trust me, it never is easy being a bum when you are sensitive to other people's needs. I don't need a challenge, an insult nor a reminder. All I need is companionship, encouragement and some positivity to go with it.
life for me requires more than just a poker face. You've got to have a back up plan. Coz worse comes to worst, when you lose, you still have chips to bet for the next round. If a boxer gets knocked the fuck out, he can still win, given he still has the coordination to stand up, he still has the heart to fight and the determination to go in for the kill.
I was built to last and persevere. I want to be like a koi swimming up a river of challenges and trials. At the end of that journey, swim into a placid pond. Still so vibrant and colorful and graceful. This is it for now. This koi has to sleep to regain its lost color. It's in gray-scale as of the moment.
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